When you join a corporate environment you’re expected to
follow certain rules and exhibit certain mannerisms, hence you learn of Table
Etiquette, Workplace Etiquette, E-mail Etiquette, Telephone Etiquette and many
other forms of etiquette that you had not bothered to find out about or used to
follow but just didn’t know it had a specific name (things you thought were
common courtesy were actually deemed ‘Etiquette’ and was a norm that MUST be
followed). But what you don’t hear about most often is Toilet Etiquette.
Considering most our workplaces house a number of employees, each with his/her
own quirks; and they all use a common restroom I think it’d be best if they’re
trained in Toilet Etiquette as well.
Now having never set foot in a ladies’ restroom I cannot
describe what social behaviour ensues once one steps into said lavatory. I do
however know this, it’s a lot easier to use due to the lack of urinals,
considering the girls would look something like this if they did have urinals:
Rather silly don’t you think?
I know I’m driving the feminists insane when I say it but
girls just CANNOT use urinals! And the ones who try, just freak us all out (intended
at the creators of GoGirl). I mean
imagine you would have to walk in on something like this:
See? FREAKY!
The men’s room however enforces a few more norms on its users
due to the presence of urinals. Hence I will not delve into the social behaviour
concerned with using the ladies room.
So here’s a set of Urinal Rules:
At any given time, if possible, one-urinal distance must be
maintained between two fellow urinal-users. Not only is this good hygiene,
because the one empty urinal would at times serve to be the splash zone. But most
men would find the no-man’s-land comforting. Especially since most men happen
to be homophobes. It’s sort of male-mentality, you never use the urinal right
adjacent to another ‘evacuator’ (for lack of a better word). The male brain
works something like this:
I mean who wouldn’t want their space? The restroom isn’t the
place to be socializing at. It would be practically absurd if you picked a
urinal next to another one being used at the moment. Here’s how absurd it is:
It’s a whole different issue if you were using stalls.
Enclosed spaces allow you to be a little less needful for private space.
At times using urinals is like a game of chess. Circumstances
would make it so, that you can’t possibly leave a one-urinal-space. A circumstance
I’d like to call urinal-checkmate. Here’s an illustration:
Oh how I despise these urinal-trolls…
Another rule in general whilst using the urinals is one that’s
very stringent and all urinal-users must adhere to it. It’s the No-Peeking
rule. All evacuators must pretend to be soldiers and have eyes-front at all
times. Wandering eyes would cause much discomfort to the other people. Even gay
men follow this rule, for they must. Not only is it polite to follow this rule
but it also ensures that one doesn’t manage to undermine the Male ego of ones
that happen to be demure.
Here’s the general rule of thumb:
Always avoid splashing. In case of a turbulent flow, try
going little at a time. This way you’d avoid exerting excessive pressure which
could sometimes lead to an involuntary fart. Not a problem if you’re alone in
the urinal but pretty embarrassing if it was witnessed by others. And these
urinal farts are never silent. Frustrating situation, if you ask me.
Also, never ever start a conversation while you’re peeing. Nothing
good ever happens when you do so. Leave the chit-chat for later. When you’re
not concentrating on something that requires tact. Considering that most people
get brilliant ideas whilst evacuating and is one of the best brainstorming
areas in any building, a futile conversation only disrupts someone’s train of
thought.
For nimrods who haven’t quite nailed the process, it’s
Unzip, pull-out, Pee, Shake, push-in, zip. Any other sequence could be messy, disastrous
and perhaps even painful (Unzip, pull-out, Pee, Shake, zip, push-in is one such
scenario)
.
And remember, always, always, always wash your hand before
leaving. I don’t care what George Carlin says, it’s just plain disgusting if
you didn’t.
So that about sums up the Urinal Experience. Hope you
learned something Bye.
