Of Evilectomy

The plot of a cult classic movie, ‘Clockwork Orange’, involves the ‘rehabilitation’ (and this word is used rather loosely) of a psychotic criminalistics teenager whose daily activities involve plundering a decadent and post-apocalyptic Britain, he indulges in assault, battery, rape and intoxication for the mere fun of it. He’s finally caught and put in a program that involves the psychological breakdown of his mind so that he suffers mental anguish whenever he thinks anything violent or inappropriate. The movie questions the morality behind an action that curbs the free will of a human being, even if a criminal is rendered incapable of committing crime, could the action be justified? For it effectively removes a person’s freedom to think as he pleases and puts him under the control of society and this is in effect, a form of slavery.

However, I got thinking and wondered if it would be all that bad. A society, in which people are incapable of committing heinous crimes, which we so often read/see/hear about. We live in a world where abhorrent deeds like human trafficking, poaching, extortion, fraud, and corruption has been going unchecked and uncurbed since as long as history itself. What causes people to do such things? To reduce themselves to such primal beings where the most basal instincts of lust and greed causes them to act so repugnantly? The crime awareness shows on TV show us would chill anyone’s bones and make anyone’s blood boil, yet these are crimes that have been committed. What were they thinking when they did such horrifying things?

Yet we refrain to dish out corporal punishments to such people because it tarnishes our antiquated sense of morality. God forbid we play god and end someone’s life or cause them great pain just because they represent the cesspool of society. We’re content with confining them within a prison system to keep them isolated from society; a prison system that’s just as ridden with corruption and as flawed as the society we live in, where the rich and powerful go and are able to treat it as a vacation but the poor and sometimes wrongly-convicted innocents go to have their best years stripped from them. Would it not be better to rid these criminals of their evil tendencies, in a way lobotomize them, so they can rejoin society and live new lives? Would that be so wrong? But alas, if only it were possible, or perhaps it is and I’m not aware of it.

In Hindu mythology, the Kalkipurana states that at the end of Kali Yuga will come when Kali cleanses the earth with his sword of fire. In a world where the rich are apathetic to the poor and only think of getting richer, where the poor use their ignorance as a crutch to commit their brand of crimes, where vengeance gives way to justice and all efforts of compassion by a person are rendered futile by the rest who’re selfish; would it not be fitting that all of us be wiped out? Is this the only cure for the plague that is man? That Friedrich Nietzsche’s brand of nihilism be dished out to all humans by an incarnation of God? The complete destruction of humankind would lead to the extinction of sentient being and sentience is so rare in this universe. It’s a shame that version 1.0 must be deleted to give way to version 2.0, perhaps it is for the best though. Maybe this is the grand scheme of things and that our destruction would serve as an example to those that come later. Perhaps evolved sentient dolphins would one day study the remnants of the human civilization and ensure that their underwater civilization does not follow suit.

Unless we decide to set aside our differences and quell the thoughts in our head that make us the bane of mankind, there is no hope for the human race. The rich must relinquish their life of grandeur and live less frivolously, ensure that their profits are distributed among those less privileged; the powerful must bear more responsibility and not abuse or misuse their power; the poor must adapt to changes and educate themselves  so they don’t turn into sheep with blind belief in superstitious rules; but most of all, the hatred that dwells in all of us and the thoughts that make us bear ill on others must be removed from our minds like the cancer that it is. I may sound preachy and hypocritical to you reader, but I do the most I can and make sure I don’t fall so low, and if I slip in a small way, it’s because I’m only human.

चैन कि नींद

Please excuse any spelling mistakes. Wrote this on a whim.

कहाँ नींद में खोये हुए हों?
जागो, इस दिन को रोशन करो.
सपनो में ही न खुशिया बांटो,
कुछ मीठे पल यहाँ भी बिताओ.

किस कशिश में  कश्मकश हुए हों?
किन बातों में उलझे हों?
दिन अभी ढला नहीं है.
तो उठो, हम पर एक मुस्कान बरसाओ.

I dug this up (quite literally)

Here's a poem I found in an old notebook lying under a pile of other half-used notebooks (I'm thinking of selling them all on eBay as 'slightly used'). It was scribbled in during the days I fervently listened to Billy Joel ('She's Always A Woman' in particular), you might make out its influence. So here's the original in poetic style:

And Hark! She growls, she groans,
She grieves and laughs;
Her mood swings
could be plotted on graphs

those who're voracious
may pilfer her food
for she hardly eats any,
hence won't think you're rude

On having an epiphany,
she gets so ecstatic.
She claps like a seal
A sight, melodramatic!

And here's the poem re-written in lyrical style:

Hey, listen! she growls, she groans,
she cries, she laughs;
her mood swings can be
shown by graphs.

if you're hungry,
you can steal her food,
she doesn't eat any
so won't think you're rude

when she gets an idea
she's so ecstatic
she claps like a seal!
how melodramatic!

Didn't feel like expanding on it (no muse to inspire me). Doesn't even come close to 'She's Always A Woman'; but hey, that's why he's Billy Joel and I'm not.

A Ghoulish Affair

I found this old written piece I'd written a long time ago. It's still in the draft stages and hence, horribly punctuated with conjunctions taking you by surprise and the beginning of sentences, as if  the  sentences are being delivered by your high-school debate team captain. but here it is nonetheless, still it its infancy because i'm too lazy to edit it...

A Ghoulish Affair

Whenever I’m asked, “do you believe in ghosts?” I have the same reply. ”no, I do not!” After all, why would anyone in their right mind come back to earth?! Nobody wants the aggravation. Quite frankly, how many people would want to look back at what they’re going to be leaving behind? I’m sure dead souls would gladly come back to earth and say, “ah! Home at last. How I missed the pollution”.

Oh yes, the ghost has a lot to look forward to. They say ghosts have unfinished business, hence they roam the earth to fulfill their task. Preposterous, don’t you think? What’s the ghost got? A checklist?  I can just picture Mr. Ghost saying, “Hmmm, let’s see. I’ve still got Monday’s dry-cleaning to do. Got to post that mail. Buy stamps. Oh! Almost forgot! I still have to pay for my funeral”. Show me a man keen on finishing his work and I’ll show you a workaholic.

And what is it with ghosts scaring people? Have they got some sort of a score card? “Now let’s see. I scared 2 people in the afternoon. That kid at night. And that couple in the park. Now that brings my score up to 58 today. Only 7 more points to win today’s prize! Wonder what today’s prize is”.

What I really think is that, only people who’ve enjoyed living on earth would return after death. Otherwise there’s just no point coming back. In any case, if people who’d enjoyed living here COULD come back, I’d expect to see the ghosts of many politicians. Let’s face it; they’re the only people who have it good here. Also, they’re the only category of people who actually have ‘unfinished business’. They’re probably back to hide those bribes they’d taken when they were alive!

I hope I’ve proved my point to you that there really isn’t any need for ghosts to be here. For one thing, you’d have to live as an apparition. Say, you were a ghost and you popped in to say hello to your friend who still happens to be alive. Picture that scenario. Your friend is obviously going to dismiss your presence as a hallucination. ‘A little sun in the eye’ is what they’d call it. You’d get so annoyed trying to make him notice you that you’d probably abandon the idea of saying hello to him or any other of your acquaintances. If you do persist anyway, it would only lead your friend too consult a psychiatrist.

And what job would a ghost do? The only thing I can think of is being hired by the guild of psychiatrists to ‘appear’ to unsuspecting people so they’d think they’re delirious and consult those psychiatrists. “BOO! I’m a ghost. Now visit Dr. Martin, M.D.”. so that’s just really there is, to being a ghost. Aggravation revisited. So, this is why I believe that no person in their right mind would come back as a ghost. Hence, I arrive at the conclusion that ghosts DO NOT exist.

Sin number 7

Human nature, in the past few years, has evolved into an embodiment of ‘every man for himself’. Nobody’s happy for anyone’s success anymore; including me. I was browsing through facebook a few days ago and FB suggested I look into the profile of my high school classmate. I saw that she was married and took a look at her photo and there she was, as good looking as she was on the day I last saw her, and my only thought was, “God I hope she ages horribly!”. That’s envy, jealousy, greed and selfishness right there. Good thing I’m not Christian or I’d have committed sin (cave to the deadly sins- Check). It’s not that I thrive in other’s misery, that would be downright sick and twisted, but hey I don’t become an evil doer if I just wish my life was better than everyone else’s and if it’s not then theirs should progress to be bad. Or so stands my justification of things. Whatever helps me sleep at night right?

But I realized there are degrees of envy. For example, to wish someone ages bad i.e. loses their looks over time; not so bad but to wish they die in a gruesome manner and then burn in the depths of hell; very bad indeed.  To act on envy resulting in violent actions is even worse. But let’s face it, I have the attention span of a gnat and can’t focus long enough to bear vengeful hate and cause anguish on anyone. Perhaps, one day when I’m exposed to cosmic radiation and get super-intelligent and build a death ray, I’ll pick the ones I envied, off one by one…

What is the point of all this you ask? To be frank, it’s about something I forgot (told you I had the attention span of a gnat). Anyway, after reading through what I wrote, I realized I was talking about envy and how it makes the world go topsy-turvy. The Iraq war started because America was envious of Iraq for having oil and 9/11 happened because the Jihadis were envious of America for having… well… cheeseburgers… alright I don’t know why those suicide-committing loonies flew planes into buildings but I’m pretty sure it was envy. Many self-made men became rich solely because they were envious of their more privileged counterparts. The reason most people do MBAs these days is because they envy the luxurious-appearing lives of those who’ve already done MBAs and have got a high paying job because of it. So reader, I ask you this, do you envy? Do you think it’s alright to envy? Do you think the world would be a better place without it? Or would it be a boring world without this primal feeling?

In retrospect I see that this is horribly written blog post that has no definitive conclusion or theme but meh. I wrote it nonetheless and HA! You read it… Sucker… :D

The End.

Acceptance

Acceptance

After many days I’ve finally gotten to accept my status as one among the forever-alone.

Forever Alone...

It is said that in a story, when the protagonist meets his/her counterpart of the opposite sex for the first time and they both notice each-other, the situation is called a ‘meet cute’. Sadly, for me, the meet cute is gonna happen in a drawing room with my family sitting around me and my future-spouse’s family sitting with them, when my spouse-to-be hands me ‘kesari bath’ and tea, after which she would then delve into asking me some disturbing questions that I would normally have not answered, had I followed the norms of the normal dating protocol.

Admittedly, there is an advantage to this ‘arrangement’. You can get from ‘bases’ 1^st through 3^rd, all the way to home run without any added effort, metaphorically speaking. But honestly, what pro baseball player would want to compete against the pee-wee league? People didn’t play Mario because it was easy to get to the next level, did they? NO it was their spirit of adventure that got ‘em hooked. Something my fellow forever-alone-rs will be deprived of, the thrill of the chase.

Why have I given up hope, you ask me? Ah, well it’s not for the lack of trying that I’m forever alone my friends. I blame lack of opportunity, slim-pickens and being stricken by ‘Friend-zone Fiona’ for it all…

I am not like the “check please!” guy from ‘Goodness, Gracious, me’ who says the wrong things and yet I must spend Valentines-day watching Prometheus and Bob clips on youtube. When all you do is, go to work, and come back home in a day, the opportunity to chat up a girl eludes you. I cannot think of a single scenario where I can just walk up to a girl and try to strike a conversation without being looked upon as a lecher in this prudent country.

On the off chance that I do get to meet girls, there’s always some fatal flaw in them. No, I’m not looking for a Megan-Fox-meets-Marie-Curie (or Mary Poppins) combination, but good looks and an average IQ isn’t too much to ask, is it? Seems all the girls I meet these days are shallow, superficial and downright stupid. Of course I may not be looking in the right places but I shouldn’t have to be hard pressed to go out of my way and explore new places to find the right girl for me, for the next thing I know I’d stoop so low that I’d be looking for girls in dating websites *shudder*. Sadly my work hugely diminishes my social life and my social circle to near non-existence. I’m not all that fastidious, god knows I’m not without flaws but the girls I encounter out there make me want to yell out in frustration. Like recently, I met a girl who was good looking and tried to strike up a conversation with her. Eventually, I succeeded, but what followed was a harrowing experience. I regretted every sip of the coffee I sipped whilst she was yammering away about something I least cared about. Nonsensical drivel so narcissistic and self-centred that in my head, the conversation sounded something like this: “Me, me, me, mine, me, I, me, me, and mine. Me, me“. Met another one, whose I.Q. resembles that of a rock. Another one who couldn’t stop talking about clothes! Talk about vanity! And then there are those who are hesitant to even say a word. There’s a time to be shy; while talking to me, is not the time to be. You’d think I’ve asked her to enact a perverse excerpt from one of Chaucer’s tales! The irony here though, is that in a population of 591 odd million women, there are so few who fit the bill.

When all said and done, you’ve managed to cross the two hurdles mentioned before, you still have to face a third one. Something I’d like to call, “avoiding the friend-zone”. Time and time again man (me in particular) has fallen victim to the friend zone. Naïve girls, who actually believe she can befriend a boy and ‘share’ with him, expect him to be the most wonderful chum to her, unintentionally lure him into the friend-zone. The boy unwittingly becomes her shoulder to cry on at the worst of times, jests when she seems glum, smiles when she has her best of times and has now fallen head-over-heels for her. Until she unceremoniously boots him for the idiot next door who is slightly better looking than our lovelorn fool. This is why gay men are so popular among the girls; true story. Sure, it’s gentlemanly of a guy to be there for the lady, the damsel in distress. It’s just common courtesy if not gentlemanly; to be the best company she’s had. But gentleman, a rare breed though they are, fall under the ‘good guy’ category and according to the age-old tradition, good guys finish last. A straight man and a girl cannot be friends, pals, chums, buddies; platonic or otherwise. Didn’t Harry and Sally make that abundantly clear in the movie?! Well then what are movies for, if not for learning?

True Story...

I tell you, the friend-zone is the premier most reason for the existence of forever-alone people. More horrid than being in the twilight-zone. Why on earth would a guy spend all that time and energy to become just a friend?! Ludicrous!

Stuck here? sucks to be you...

And I’ve made the grave mistake of being led into this scenario like an asinine fool more often than not. Which is why I’ve given up hope. To use the modified version of the break-up cliché; it’s not me, it’s you.

Not worth it...

So rather than to have to go through these insipid medley of women and to bend-over backwards for someone who least appreciates it, I’ve decided to wait for the one who would be legally obligated to appreciate it all and will bring me a lot of money to boot! (yes I will accept a dowry, one shouldn’t refuse a gift at the risk of appearing to be rude…).  So yes, I’m going to be forever alone (forever being the time until that dreaded day when I get married) and I don’t mind anymore! Cheerio!

#Toilet Humor

When you join a corporate environment you’re expected to follow certain rules and exhibit certain mannerisms, hence you learn of Table Etiquette, Workplace Etiquette, E-mail Etiquette, Telephone Etiquette and many other forms of etiquette that you had not bothered to find out about or used to follow but just didn’t know it had a specific name (things you thought were common courtesy were actually deemed ‘Etiquette’ and was a norm that MUST be followed). But what you don’t hear about most often is Toilet Etiquette. Considering most our workplaces house a number of employees, each with his/her own quirks; and they all use a common restroom I think it’d be best if they’re trained in Toilet Etiquette as well.

Now having never set foot in a ladies’ restroom I cannot describe what social behaviour ensues once one steps into said lavatory. I do however know this, it’s a lot easier to use due to the lack of urinals, considering the girls would look something like this if they did have urinals:

Rather silly don’t you think?

I know I’m driving the feminists insane when I say it but girls just CANNOT use urinals! And the ones who try, just freak us all out (intended at the creators of GoGirl). I mean imagine you would have to walk in on something like this:

See? FREAKY!

The men’s room however enforces a few more norms on its users due to the presence of urinals. Hence I will not delve into the social behaviour concerned with using the ladies room.

So here’s a set of Urinal Rules:

At any given time, if possible, one-urinal distance must be maintained between two fellow urinal-users. Not only is this good hygiene, because the one empty urinal would at times serve to be the splash zone. But most men would find the no-man’s-land comforting. Especially since most men happen to be homophobes. It’s sort of male-mentality, you never use the urinal right adjacent to another ‘evacuator’ (for lack of a better word). The male brain works something like this:

I mean who wouldn’t want their space? The restroom isn’t the place to be socializing at. It would be practically absurd if you picked a urinal next to another one being used at the moment. Here’s how absurd it is:

It’s a whole different issue if you were using stalls. Enclosed spaces allow you to be a little less needful for private space.

At times using urinals is like a game of chess. Circumstances would make it so, that you can’t possibly leave a one-urinal-space. A circumstance I’d like to call urinal-checkmate. Here’s an illustration:

Oh how I despise these urinal-trolls…

Another rule in general whilst using the urinals is one that’s very stringent and all urinal-users must adhere to it. It’s the No-Peeking rule. All evacuators must pretend to be soldiers and have eyes-front at all times. Wandering eyes would cause much discomfort to the other people. Even gay men follow this rule, for they must. Not only is it polite to follow this rule but it also ensures that one doesn’t manage to undermine the Male ego of ones that happen to be demure.

Here’s the general rule of thumb:

 

Always avoid splashing. In case of a turbulent flow, try going little at a time. This way you’d avoid exerting excessive pressure which could sometimes lead to an involuntary fart. Not a problem if you’re alone in the urinal but pretty embarrassing if it was witnessed by others. And these urinal farts are never silent. Frustrating situation, if you ask me.

Also, never ever start a conversation while you’re peeing. Nothing good ever happens when you do so. Leave the chit-chat for later. When you’re not concentrating on something that requires tact. Considering that most people get brilliant ideas whilst evacuating and is one of the best brainstorming areas in any building, a futile conversation only disrupts someone’s train of thought.

For nimrods who haven’t quite nailed the process, it’s Unzip, pull-out, Pee, Shake, push-in, zip. Any other sequence could be messy, disastrous and perhaps even painful (Unzip, pull-out, Pee, Shake, zip, push-in is one such scenario)

.

And remember, always, always, always wash your hand before leaving. I don’t care what George Carlin says, it’s just plain disgusting if you didn’t.

So that about sums up the Urinal Experience. Hope you learned something Bye.