#Toilet Humor

When you join a corporate environment you’re expected to follow certain rules and exhibit certain mannerisms, hence you learn of Table Etiquette, Workplace Etiquette, E-mail Etiquette, Telephone Etiquette and many other forms of etiquette that you had not bothered to find out about or used to follow but just didn’t know it had a specific name (things you thought were common courtesy were actually deemed ‘Etiquette’ and was a norm that MUST be followed). But what you don’t hear about most often is Toilet Etiquette. Considering most our workplaces house a number of employees, each with his/her own quirks; and they all use a common restroom I think it’d be best if they’re trained in Toilet Etiquette as well.

Now having never set foot in a ladies’ restroom I cannot describe what social behaviour ensues once one steps into said lavatory. I do however know this, it’s a lot easier to use due to the lack of urinals, considering the girls would look something like this if they did have urinals:

Rather silly don’t you think?

I know I’m driving the feminists insane when I say it but girls just CANNOT use urinals! And the ones who try, just freak us all out (intended at the creators of GoGirl). I mean imagine you would have to walk in on something like this:

See? FREAKY!

The men’s room however enforces a few more norms on its users due to the presence of urinals. Hence I will not delve into the social behaviour concerned with using the ladies room.

So here’s a set of Urinal Rules:

At any given time, if possible, one-urinal distance must be maintained between two fellow urinal-users. Not only is this good hygiene, because the one empty urinal would at times serve to be the splash zone. But most men would find the no-man’s-land comforting. Especially since most men happen to be homophobes. It’s sort of male-mentality, you never use the urinal right adjacent to another ‘evacuator’ (for lack of a better word). The male brain works something like this:

I mean who wouldn’t want their space? The restroom isn’t the place to be socializing at. It would be practically absurd if you picked a urinal next to another one being used at the moment. Here’s how absurd it is:

It’s a whole different issue if you were using stalls. Enclosed spaces allow you to be a little less needful for private space.

At times using urinals is like a game of chess. Circumstances would make it so, that you can’t possibly leave a one-urinal-space. A circumstance I’d like to call urinal-checkmate. Here’s an illustration:

Oh how I despise these urinal-trolls…

Another rule in general whilst using the urinals is one that’s very stringent and all urinal-users must adhere to it. It’s the No-Peeking rule. All evacuators must pretend to be soldiers and have eyes-front at all times. Wandering eyes would cause much discomfort to the other people. Even gay men follow this rule, for they must. Not only is it polite to follow this rule but it also ensures that one doesn’t manage to undermine the Male ego of ones that happen to be demure.

Here’s the general rule of thumb:

 

Always avoid splashing. In case of a turbulent flow, try going little at a time. This way you’d avoid exerting excessive pressure which could sometimes lead to an involuntary fart. Not a problem if you’re alone in the urinal but pretty embarrassing if it was witnessed by others. And these urinal farts are never silent. Frustrating situation, if you ask me.

Also, never ever start a conversation while you’re peeing. Nothing good ever happens when you do so. Leave the chit-chat for later. When you’re not concentrating on something that requires tact. Considering that most people get brilliant ideas whilst evacuating and is one of the best brainstorming areas in any building, a futile conversation only disrupts someone’s train of thought.

For nimrods who haven’t quite nailed the process, it’s Unzip, pull-out, Pee, Shake, push-in, zip. Any other sequence could be messy, disastrous and perhaps even painful (Unzip, pull-out, Pee, Shake, zip, push-in is one such scenario)

.

And remember, always, always, always wash your hand before leaving. I don’t care what George Carlin says, it’s just plain disgusting if you didn’t.

So that about sums up the Urinal Experience. Hope you learned something Bye.